Here's one...
D'ya hear this one...
Think that's funny...
True story...
I got a million of 'em....
Is this thing on?...

Charles Dickens walks in a bar and asks the bartender for a martini. The bartender says, "Olive or twist?"

The Human Cannonball tells the circus ringmaster that he'll have to find someone else because he's quitting. The ringmaster says, "You can't quit. Where am going to find someone of your caliber?"

A Rabbi, a Catholic Priest and a Baptist Minister walk into a bar. The bartender says, "What is this, some kind of joke?"

A traveling salesman stops at a farmhouse and asks the farmer if he can stay the night. The farmer says, , "You can stay but you'll have to sleep with my son." The salesman says, " Oh sorry, I must be in the wrong joke."

A guy gets pulled over for rolling through a stop sign. He tells the cop, "I didn't stop but I slowed down. What's the difference?" The cop pulls the guy out of the car and starts hitting him in the head with his nightstick and says, "Now, do you want me to slow down or do you want me to stop?"

A kid tells his Mom, "I want to be a musician when I grow up." His Mom says, " You can't have it both ways."

A guy brings his sick bird to the vet. The vet says, "Just what I thought, he has a canerial disease. It looks like chirpies. But don't worry, I think it can be tweeted."

A drunk was in front of a judge. The judge says "You've been brought here for drinking." The drunk says "Okay, let's get started."

Another drunk goes up to a parking meter, puts in a quarter; the dial goes to 60. The drunk says "Huh. I lost 100 pounds!"

A man is at the bar, drunk. I pick him up off the floor, and offer to take him home. On the way to my car, he falls down three times. When I get to his house, I help him out of the car, and on the way to the front door, he falls down four more times. I ring the bell, and say, "Here's your husband!" The man's wife says, "Where's his wheelchair?"

My friend's wife ran after the garbage truck, yelling, "Am I too late for the garbage?" The guy says, "No, jump in!"

Guy tells the waitress, "I'll have a cup of coffee. No cream, no sugar." She says, "You'll have to have it without milk. We're out of cream."

Guy calls the hospital and says, "I have an emergency! My wife just went into labor!" Nurse says, "Is this her first child?" He says, "No, this is her husband."

Lady calls the Fire Department and says, "Come quick, my house is on fire." Fireman says, "How do we get there?' She says, "What happened to that big red truck you used to have?"

Shrink tells his patient, "You have a split personality. That will be 60 bucks." The guy gives him 30 bucks and says, "Get the rest from the other guy."

A guy complains of a headache. Another guy says, "Do what I do. I put my head on my wife's bosom, and the headache goes away." The next day, the man says, "Did you do what I told you to?" "Yes, I sure did. By the way, you have a nice house!"

Doctor tells his patient, "You have an ulcer." The guy says, "I want a second opinion." Doctor says, "O.K. you're ugly too."

Think that's funny, I got a million of 'em.